Diary of an emotionally-crippled narcissist (dr_nic) wrote in royal_society,
Diary of an emotionally-crippled narcissist
dr_nic
royal_society

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, I fear that the recent passing of the year has left us in some sad form of malaise. Never have these hallowed halls rung so hollow of sound and fury. Where are the suppositions? The declamations? The strident catcalls of thesis, antithesis and synthesis? Have we catalgued the world? Nay! Have we torn open the very fundament of existence, pinned it to a board and screamed "here! Here are all the answers"? Again, I say NAY! The gentle art of Natural Philosophy still has so much to give and so much to take, Gentlemen and thus I call us all to arms! What need have we of sleep and rest when the very Universe itself cries out for our understanding and research!
And thus, in the spirit of this learning, in the quest of this Knowledge, I pose this to you, my brothers in scholarship, my eminent, imminent, emanant and, indeed, immanent colleagues:
Just what is it with women anyway?
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Women, eh? Mmm, quite a difficult thing to pin down, what?

Not that I've ever had any troubles in that mmm-department... Ha! Get it? Pinning... Oh, wit is lost on you puritans!
I meant more in a philosophical/cosmological way, rather than individual, old chap.
But... everyone knows that women and philosophy just don't mix! They ain't got the temperament for it, for one thing, and to think that mere Calculus, Alchemy or even Astronomy might help unravel the greatest mystery that we as men are ever to face is sheer nonsense!
Women, or as the third centurty Greek write Melodramius, called them "nature's eunechs" can safely be discarded, gentlemen. Prone to a hysteria of the natural tunnels, having partaken in a terrible Chemical Wedding of sin and biles and humors of the body that, simply put, defy the wrangling hand of science, women have proved themselves defiant of the principles of our Natutral Science.

Which means, of course, they cannot exist.

And if they did, learned colleauges, I would suggest nothing so much as to simply shrug one's shoulders and focus one's gaze upon the mandibled of these fictious "women". It the long run, 't'avoids much pain.
A superbly practical suggestion from a member I had oft thought to mired in the theoretical! I see that the Society is proving beneficial to its members already!

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God's wounds! This ingenious good sir! You could perhaps create the ideal woman — a modern day Pygmalion...
I heartily approve of this, admittedly weird, science.
All well and good if you're so-called 'ideal woman' is some kind of French pastry that spews whiskey forth from all orifices!

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Well, sugar and spice seem obvious (perhaps too obvious), and the word dram is obviously some crypto-jewish allusion to the strong liquor favoured by the pictish types above Hadrian's Wall.

If you think there's some scientific merit to be found in old children's rhymes, well, I can't wait to see what you make of the old woman who lived in a shoe!

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Christmas pudding?! Sounds errantly papist to me, sir!

Thank the Good Lord you have such sensible views on the poor (untaxable wretches every man Jack of 'em); were it otherwise I may have to have a word or two with you 'pon the matter of puddings, and their proper place in the worship of Our Lord.

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Look, as I've said it really wasn't my fault! I was trying to replicate the Golem creation of Jewish myth — I can't check every wandering Hebraic scholar for blue stockings you know!

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Ah, professor... you remain too useful to put to the sword, as always. Let me know when you think the lads capable of flying across the channel, and on that day you shall have cheese for tea!
As a woman I must inform you that there is neither rhyme nor reason to our madness. Pain of one's 'special friend' often drives one to extremes hitherto unknown, causing much hysteria, teeth gnashing, and man-mauling (o the shame of seeing a grown man weep in the street). However I have found a certain joy and sanity in wenching, fencing, and liquor. Perhaps not the most morally upstanding past-times, but for the sake of sanity I have made these sacrifices.

Perhaps, sir, you could help me? I have found much amusement in your society and if it would be agreeable with all involved I would endeavour to attain membership (I ask only because I am uncertain as to the openness of your current members to such a proposition).

Moste Sincerely,
Loralye Pedall